


sleepless nights, catharsis who?

by nu_xii_lilac



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Self-Esteem Issues, Suicidal Thoughts, denial of depression, feeling of duty, jisung park is in this kinda
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-27
Updated: 2019-08-27
Packaged: 2020-09-27 15:55:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20410393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nu_xii_lilac/pseuds/nu_xii_lilac
Summary: chenle was absorbed by his thoughts at night. he couldn't be depressed. he couldn't be. right?//short angsty entry!





	sleepless nights, catharsis who?

**Author's Note:**

> in no way am I implying zhong chenle's mental health is accurately represented by this.
> 
> please read the trigger warnings and decide if you should read this. mental health is a serious topic, see end notes

chenle doesn't know when his nights became restless and unbecoming. late nights in his room used to be his favorite; taking time for himself, listening to music and scrolling through social media. nothing but pure relaxation. nowadays, his thoughts simply consume him. especially now that he's nearing the end of highschool. 

the most common question he pondered was, what's the end goal of his life? he had no particular interests or grand aspirations to work towards. he wasn't going to be any sort of addition to society when he graduates, his creativity well seems all dried up. he feels a robot could just as easily replace him (give or take some programming for sassy remarks.)

all he knew is that he had to keep going. 

he often consoled his close friends when they were in dark places of their own, but all this taught him was that he shouldn't go to others for his own consolance. he felt wrong for getting annoyed with them at late school nights discussing their state of mind (when what he loved them and cared for them so much but all he longed for was sleep), but he couldn't stop from slowly growing irritated. 

he certainly didn't want to cause the same thoughts he had to pass through their mind, so he keeps to himself. the Golden rule, right? in addition, he knows they are in a much less stable mindset, and who is he to just pile on more worries and problems onto them? some of them are having family issues, financial issues, problems with school work, you name it; however, chenle's family relations are strong all throughout, he lives extremely comfortably, and he's intelligent and grades aren't a problem. 

what's a healthy person with near-perfect life circumstances and nothing in the way of the stars, got to complain about?

moreover, with all the trust, love and resources the people around him have put into him, how could he simply betray them by being depressed, nevertheless throwing it all away? he has no reason to be anything other than content. everyone around him seems to have valid issues to be upset over, but he has nothing. why does he feel this way? nevertheless, he lives for the others. he will grow up to be something even if every passing day feels pointless for him. he feels he OWES it to society. stories of those who have passion and big dreams to fulfill but can't due to the hierarchy of social class are wildly abundant, but what about the good-for-nothings, born into the setup for nothing but success, that still find a way to be unhappy? is he the only one? he OWES it to the people who were dealt the losing hand. life is too long, he thought. he wants nothing but to cut it short. but he can't. and he won't. 

or so he thought. 

he took in the calming breeze of the post-rain winds passing through the town with a deep breath. the night felt strangely calm considering what he was here for. for a short while he stood still, silently watching the rushing river below that was patiently waiting to absorb him. he hoisted himself up, taking little effort, to the tall fencing of the bridge. he looked down one last time, and closed his eyes. every nerve in his own body was urging him to jump. 

suddenly, a quick movement pulled chenle off of the railing and into their arms. 

"Chenle! Are you crazy? Please, let's go home. Let's talk about this okay. Please, Please, Please. Please just let me talk you out of this. I know you've been hurting and I should have talked to you about it sooner. We're supposed to be best friends, but I haven't been acting like one. Please, just please, come back with me." pleaded the boy, whom chenle opened his eyes and recognized as Park Jisung, with eyes red and teary, voice wavering, threatening to go hoarse on him.

"...Okay."

chenle enjoyed his nights once again. chenle has learned to open up and let himself trouble his friends. he knows he isn't a burden to them. he has taken up a hobby in writing, and has started a personal journal to keep himself in check. 

in fact, journaling is one of the parts of his nightly routine he looked forward to. a constant in his ever-changing world. a way to reflect on his day, and think about what he wants to improve on for later in life.

the best part of the night, however, would probably have to be cuddling with his roommate, maybe more-than-friends-friend, jisung.

"how are you feeling lele?"

"im feeling hopeful." 

**Author's Note:**

> this was just my own weird way of catharsis on my own sleepless night. if you believe your mental health is not at its finest, please please tell someone! just because you don't have a clinical diagnosis doesn't mean you shouldn't speak up about how you're feeling. mental health is hard to talk about, but it should be taken seriously. don't compare yourself with others. im no therapist, but I definitely encourage Journaling as a positive way of catharsis. it's helped me a lot.
> 
> PS: if you know my other fic that i started during summer and have ideas, please message me /comment on it and ill try to make it happen! i started it and then didn't really know what to do with it afterwards. it's not great but if you know it and want to help it continue hmu, haha.


End file.
